Journal excerpt. Nov 13. 2010.

One day I'll own a brand new Honda. And I'll finally know what it feels like to drive a NEW vehicle. I'll not have to worry about my car falling apart once or more per year.

One day I'll go into a book store and see a book on the shelf that reads "By Jamie Young" (or whatever pseudonym I so choose) and I will smile and touch the cover proudly.

One day I'll have stamps in my passport. Multiples. I'll go to Tokyo and Paris and Istanbul...I'll go anywhere and everywhere. Whenever I want.

One day I'll have a photography show at a studio in New York. And people will be huddled around my blackandwhites gushing over the perfection and emotion and beauty that I caught on film in that fleeting moment.

One day I'll buy my parents ridiculously expensive gifts JUST BECAUSE [but mostly because they deserve such]. Like a car or a house in Denver (they say they always wanted to live there) or even plane tickets to some exotic island for some romantic getaway.

One day I'll be the editor of a publication. Something amazing, but probably small.

One day I'll spend an entire summer on a beach. Any beach. A beautiful beach. And all I'll do is catch rays, drink super girly alcoholic beverages, and write [more].

One day...I'll be my own boss. I'll have the world at my fingertips. I'll be standing on my own two feet with the biggest smile on my face and I'll remember that I called it.

That wasn't me...was it?

I'm reading old journal entries from 2006.

What a terrible year. What a horrible existence.

It's so strange to read about my life then, to think about my life then. It's honestly just like I've put all of that past completely out of my memory bank. So much so, in fact, that it's like none of that ever happened.

Like, honestly. If I ever actually get to thinking about all of...that...it's like I'm remembering someone else's life, someone else's miserable past. Have you ever experienced this? Blocking out memories, people, events to the point of them seeming...surreal? To the point of it seeming like it never actually happened?

This is how it is for me.

Who was I then? I guess I was still figuring it out. Hell, I'm still figuring it out. Who am I now? I guess, comparatively, I am "happier", but with certain emotions and feelings being as they are, now, it's truly hard to say whether or not I am happy in general.

I want my happy.

Give it.

This is my heart, bleeding before you; this is me down on my knees.

Sleeping last night was more of a chore than usual. I can't remember if I fell asleep this way, or if this is something completely different, but, nonetheless, it isn't fun.

I think getting up to use the bathroom three hours into my sleeping session was a mistake: I seem to have fallen off the wrong side of the bed this morning. And, no, that is not a figure of speech. I awoke with this...sour taste in my head, this pot is about to boil over and I am not looking forward to it.

A lot is on my mind; and none of it is happy.

I need my happy. Where can I find it?

My best friend won't talk to me anymore. And, despite my assumptions, will not tell me why. Apparently, ignoring someone almost completely is the best way to make someone feel like utter trash. That and being right. (Not expecting that one to make sense.)

Do you ever think about how many best friends you have lost [over the years]? Is it a lot? Three? Four? Eight? - Makes you feel a bit uneasy, huh? Yeah, I'm right there with you. Right. There.

Coffee break.

In attempts to find the perfect photo for today (re: 30 day photo challenge), I realize how alone I actually feelam...

I am stuck somewhere between fantasy and reality. I'm uncertain how this limbo came to be, but that doesn't change the fact that it's just that. Limbo. How am I to decipher between what's best for me and what I want most? Changing a huge part of your life isn't something that should be done on a whim...should it? I am trying to convince myself to do the right thing; I am trying to convince myself I'm doing the right thing.

What am I doing?

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else: somebody that gave a damn, somebody else...

I can't do this anymore.

Can you?

3. a photo that makes you happy

This took me a while [to find].

This is my grandmother, Elsie; and she’s wearing my brother’s boots.

This photo makes me incredibly happy

because it reminds me of my grandmother’s amazing personality!

She’s crazy intelligent, fun-loving, caring, hilarious,

easy to talk to, and she used to write poetry and stories

(some of which she can still recite).

She's put up with the whole family teasing her

about her height (she's like 4'8") on a regular basis -

hence, the boots.

But she always had a smile on her face.

Elsie now has Alzheimer’s.

Needless to say, she just isn’t…herself anymore.

And that kills me.

I miss getting my ass kicked in Scrabble by her,

sitting next to her and doing crossword puzzles together,

and the sound of her giggling uncontrollably.

I love you, grandma. So much. And I miss you.

You're an amazing woman! I want you to know that!

I’ll see you in December for Christmas! <3

Let go. Just jump in. It's so amazing here.

A lot has been happening in the relationship department. Or lack of a relationship department. Or the I-think-we're-in-a-relationship-but-I-guess-we're-really-not department.

/Facepalm

Like...I am so incredibly confused. I feel like I am psyching myself out. I feel so adamant about one thing, and then blasé about the same thing the very next day. I don't get it.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Clean-up on aisle 12!

Again. It's a mess. Again. Ugh. It's mind vs. emotion here, and not only am I unsure who's winning - I'm unsure of who I want to root for.

I don't know. Happiness is what's important. However, that involves much more than we care to actually admit. Much, much more...

Why is it that I feel so strongly about something, like love for instance, like it's the only thing that matters, and yet when it finally comes time to express those emotions, I freeze up? Am I just a blubbering imbecile? Or am I scared? Worried? Uncertain, confused?

I wish I knew; I need to fix this.

I love this man. I love being with him. But not at the expense of my sanity.

Or did my sanity blow out the window the day I drove down to Murfreesboro, TN four years ago?

Four years ago. Wow. And I've accomplished almost nothing.

When does my adventure begin? I'm ready for a new chapter!