Journal excerpt. Nov 13. 2010.

One day I'll own a brand new Honda. And I'll finally know what it feels like to drive a NEW vehicle. I'll not have to worry about my car falling apart once or more per year.

One day I'll go into a book store and see a book on the shelf that reads "By Jamie Young" (or whatever pseudonym I so choose) and I will smile and touch the cover proudly.

One day I'll have stamps in my passport. Multiples. I'll go to Tokyo and Paris and Istanbul...I'll go anywhere and everywhere. Whenever I want.

One day I'll have a photography show at a studio in New York. And people will be huddled around my blackandwhites gushing over the perfection and emotion and beauty that I caught on film in that fleeting moment.

One day I'll buy my parents ridiculously expensive gifts JUST BECAUSE [but mostly because they deserve such]. Like a car or a house in Denver (they say they always wanted to live there) or even plane tickets to some exotic island for some romantic getaway.

One day I'll be the editor of a publication. Something amazing, but probably small.

One day I'll spend an entire summer on a beach. Any beach. A beautiful beach. And all I'll do is catch rays, drink super girly alcoholic beverages, and write [more].

One day...I'll be my own boss. I'll have the world at my fingertips. I'll be standing on my own two feet with the biggest smile on my face and I'll remember that I called it.

That wasn't me...was it?

I'm reading old journal entries from 2006.

What a terrible year. What a horrible existence.

It's so strange to read about my life then, to think about my life then. It's honestly just like I've put all of that past completely out of my memory bank. So much so, in fact, that it's like none of that ever happened.

Like, honestly. If I ever actually get to thinking about all of...that...it's like I'm remembering someone else's life, someone else's miserable past. Have you ever experienced this? Blocking out memories, people, events to the point of them seeming...surreal? To the point of it seeming like it never actually happened?

This is how it is for me.

Who was I then? I guess I was still figuring it out. Hell, I'm still figuring it out. Who am I now? I guess, comparatively, I am "happier", but with certain emotions and feelings being as they are, now, it's truly hard to say whether or not I am happy in general.

I want my happy.

Give it.

This is my heart, bleeding before you; this is me down on my knees.

Sleeping last night was more of a chore than usual. I can't remember if I fell asleep this way, or if this is something completely different, but, nonetheless, it isn't fun.

I think getting up to use the bathroom three hours into my sleeping session was a mistake: I seem to have fallen off the wrong side of the bed this morning. And, no, that is not a figure of speech. I awoke with this...sour taste in my head, this pot is about to boil over and I am not looking forward to it.

A lot is on my mind; and none of it is happy.

I need my happy. Where can I find it?

My best friend won't talk to me anymore. And, despite my assumptions, will not tell me why. Apparently, ignoring someone almost completely is the best way to make someone feel like utter trash. That and being right. (Not expecting that one to make sense.)

Do you ever think about how many best friends you have lost [over the years]? Is it a lot? Three? Four? Eight? - Makes you feel a bit uneasy, huh? Yeah, I'm right there with you. Right. There.

Coffee break.

In attempts to find the perfect photo for today (re: 30 day photo challenge), I realize how alone I actually feelam...

I am stuck somewhere between fantasy and reality. I'm uncertain how this limbo came to be, but that doesn't change the fact that it's just that. Limbo. How am I to decipher between what's best for me and what I want most? Changing a huge part of your life isn't something that should be done on a whim...should it? I am trying to convince myself to do the right thing; I am trying to convince myself I'm doing the right thing.

What am I doing?

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else: somebody that gave a damn, somebody else...

I can't do this anymore.

Can you?

This knot in my stomach? It's yearning.

Wanted: Community Marketing Whiz who Doesn't Act Like a Marketer

Seriously? I want to die.

I read this and wanted to cry, vomit, and soil myself - all at once. This is like my dream job! These guys sound amazing! Why don't I live in California yet? Why? Why?! WHY?!

Let the resume begin.

Have laptop. Will move to Cali. Kthx.

7. a photo of someone you love

This is Punk. He's the best cat in the world!

And he plays Magic. - I love you, Punk cat!

6. a photo that makes you laugh

This was after Serkan and I picked Cheese up from

his basic training for "family week". He is screaming.

And it is glorious.

I feel the earth beneath my feet.

Rilo Kiley is amazing. I mean it. Jenny Lewis has the most beautiful vocal chords: she hypnotizes you with her voice like no other.

I was introduce to Rilo Kiley about five years ago by my brother, Brent. He told me to give it a listen, knowing I'd enjoy it. I did; and I loved them. He mailed me the album The Execution of All Things and I listened to it all summer. I was living back at home in Michigan - with my parents - at the time. Heartbroken. Confused. Broke. Depressed. But I remember spending my days sprawled across the deck in the back, iPod in hand, eyes closed, sun on my face...that album was everything. It made me feel. It made me...happy. Every song spoke to me, every note was just right.

You know, maybe it wasn't so much the album, but the timing. Either way, that continues to be one of my favorite albums (and artists) ever. Thanks, Brent. For that and so much more.

Brent and I don't talk much at all anymore.

It was my choice, I guess.

Kind of.

And I miss him.

5. a photo of you

Cryptic and confused

I don't know.

Why do I always push things aside - I hit "Read Later" on things that bother me, I Instapaper my life.

This can't be good.

I mean, is this something that gets resolved now; or is this something that continues to float around, linger in the back of my mind, my day, my life?

It sounds silly, once I actually say it. Once I lay it all on the table, it's a no brainer...right?

I have no answer. And that scares me.

4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday

Xmas with the folks in Ohio.

3. a photo that makes you happy

This took me a while [to find].

This is my grandmother, Elsie; and she’s wearing my brother’s boots.

This photo makes me incredibly happy

because it reminds me of my grandmother’s amazing personality!

She’s crazy intelligent, fun-loving, caring, hilarious,

easy to talk to, and she used to write poetry and stories

(some of which she can still recite).

She's put up with the whole family teasing her

about her height (she's like 4'8") on a regular basis -

hence, the boots.

But she always had a smile on her face.

Elsie now has Alzheimer’s.

Needless to say, she just isn’t…herself anymore.

And that kills me.

I miss getting my ass kicked in Scrabble by her,

sitting next to her and doing crossword puzzles together,

and the sound of her giggling uncontrollably.

I love you, grandma. So much. And I miss you.

You're an amazing woman! I want you to know that!

I’ll see you in December for Christmas! <3

2. a photo of yourself a year ago

1. your facebook profile photo

I'm doing this.

30 Day Photo Challenge

1. your facebook profile photo
2. a photo of yourself a year ago
3. a photo that makes you happy
4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
5. a photo of you
6. a photo that makes you laugh
7. a photo of someone you love
8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
9. a photo of your family
10. a photo of you as a baby
11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
12. a photo of you
13. a photo of your best friend(s)
14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
15. a photo of you and someone you love
16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
17. a drunk photo of you
18. a photo of one of your classes
19. a photo of you on a school trip
20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
21. a photo of you standing up
22. a photo of your town
23. a photo of your friend as a baby
24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
25. a photo of a night you loved
26. a photo of your favourite weekend
27. a photo of last summer
28. a photo of what you ate today
29. a photo of someone you find attractive
30. a photo of you when you were happy

I wanna feel the sun on my face ALL year round!

I need to move. I need to move somewhere that I can wear sunglasses 24/7, - or, at least, 14/7 - go to the beach whenever I get the urge, and not be freezing and gloomy for part of the year.

The cold and the snow are overrated. I've dealt with those for too long. It's a waste of a good portion of my year.

I could totally drown winter in the ocean. Totally.

Who wants to deal with the winter blues?

Not this girl; not any more.

Let go. Just jump in. It's so amazing here.

A lot has been happening in the relationship department. Or lack of a relationship department. Or the I-think-we're-in-a-relationship-but-I-guess-we're-really-not department.

/Facepalm

Like...I am so incredibly confused. I feel like I am psyching myself out. I feel so adamant about one thing, and then blasé about the same thing the very next day. I don't get it.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Clean-up on aisle 12!

Again. It's a mess. Again. Ugh. It's mind vs. emotion here, and not only am I unsure who's winning - I'm unsure of who I want to root for.

I don't know. Happiness is what's important. However, that involves much more than we care to actually admit. Much, much more...

Why is it that I feel so strongly about something, like love for instance, like it's the only thing that matters, and yet when it finally comes time to express those emotions, I freeze up? Am I just a blubbering imbecile? Or am I scared? Worried? Uncertain, confused?

I wish I knew; I need to fix this.

I love this man. I love being with him. But not at the expense of my sanity.

Or did my sanity blow out the window the day I drove down to Murfreesboro, TN four years ago?

Four years ago. Wow. And I've accomplished almost nothing.

When does my adventure begin? I'm ready for a new chapter!