Poolside fun: recreational memory loss

I have been poolside for the past 3-4 days. No where else. And it has been fabulous.

Except now. Now, that it's raining. I am sitting here, suited up, ready to soak up the sun and wasting sunscreen.

Guess I'm ready to get burnt again.

Wow, it seriously isn't going to end anytime soon either. I am disappoint.

Back to the basics: my muse ran away. Initially I thought she was only hiding so that I would go outside and enjoy summer, rather than go about my pasty white life as is; but now...I think I'm being punished. Punished for my lack of effort, for my laziness.

I stopped writing - all together. Unless you count countless tweets about the sun and the pool and music.

Maybe that's it; I needed a musical intermission. Maybe.

But, honestly? Some genius needs to invent mind to text like now. This is out of control. I need my thoughts to instantly transfer into a memoir before they're gone for good. I need to be able to be in the pool, swimming, while simultaneously writing the next best seller.

Word.

I had an ingenious idea for the beginning - or middle? - of a novel. I had it right before I fell asleep last night. I punched it lazily into my iPhone Notes app and passed out. Today, I remembered, by chance, that I had done that, read it, and smiled. It was still just as epic as it was when my sleepy brain thought it up.

This is good. This means no more looking at scraps of paper and trying to decipher what I actually meant to write, or wondering what the hell my Excedrin PM influenced self was thinking.

I'm not used to my afterthoughts making sense like that. It's kind of nice.

More later (probably not).

12. a photo of you

11. a photo of your favourite film(s)

Well, one of my favorites.

Amélie

Cloudy skies, cloudy dreams

It's 3pm and the sky is chock full of clouds and random bouts of lightning. I had sunbathing and swimming plans - along with other such sunny tomfooleries.

And now what?

Now, I sit inside and watch Buffy while drinking coffee and fiddling with my iPhone. (Unemployment and the lack of finances kind of ruin "going out".)

I rue today.

Onto other things: I keep having two recurring dreams. Well, one is never really the same but I always have a dream where I am smoking. Recently, I dreamt my brother Brent came to visit for my birthday and his gift to me was a single cigarette because he knew I wanted to smoke. This is very unlike Brent. But, nevertheless, I sat at the bar and smoked that cigarette. And it was wonderful.

...okay, enough with the smoking dreams before I have an ever worse craving.

The other recurring dream involves this mystery man. Or boy. - Boy because I feel as if, in the dream, I am actually younger than I am in real life (as is he). - My mother is always in the dream, along with Punk, and she drives me a ways to see this boy. And, along the way, Punk always ends up in some sort of kitty shenanigans. But I always make it to see the boy. And it's a relief. Yet, usually, right after I get to him...I wake up. And I am left shifting, trying to become comfortable again, so that I can drift back away into that dream and find out more about my mystery boy.

I'm curious. And the dream felt good.

I'd like to go back to sleep, now.

10. a photo of you as a baby

This is the youngest photo of myself I have access to.

I was three or four. And wearing a paper bonnet.

I think it was Thanksgiving.

9. a photo of your family

(Left to Right) Mom (note the "motherly expression"), Rob, Brent, Me.

This picture is like...six years old?

But this is the most recent family photo I have.

Now, let's find the camera man...

This will do. Dad and Mom. Incredibly cute.

And last, but not least...

Punk. Cutest kitty ever. My boy. <3

8. a photo of your favourite band/musician

I can't pick just one. But I'll pick the one I have been

"all about", especially as of late...

Rilo Kiley.

This knot in my stomach? It's yearning.

Wanted: Community Marketing Whiz who Doesn't Act Like a Marketer

Seriously? I want to die.

I read this and wanted to cry, vomit, and soil myself - all at once. This is like my dream job! These guys sound amazing! Why don't I live in California yet? Why? Why?! WHY?!

Let the resume begin.

Have laptop. Will move to Cali. Kthx.

7. a photo of someone you love

This is Punk. He's the best cat in the world!

And he plays Magic. - I love you, Punk cat!

6. a photo that makes you laugh

This was after Serkan and I picked Cheese up from

his basic training for "family week". He is screaming.

And it is glorious.

I feel the earth beneath my feet.

Rilo Kiley is amazing. I mean it. Jenny Lewis has the most beautiful vocal chords: she hypnotizes you with her voice like no other.

I was introduce to Rilo Kiley about five years ago by my brother, Brent. He told me to give it a listen, knowing I'd enjoy it. I did; and I loved them. He mailed me the album The Execution of All Things and I listened to it all summer. I was living back at home in Michigan - with my parents - at the time. Heartbroken. Confused. Broke. Depressed. But I remember spending my days sprawled across the deck in the back, iPod in hand, eyes closed, sun on my face...that album was everything. It made me feel. It made me...happy. Every song spoke to me, every note was just right.

You know, maybe it wasn't so much the album, but the timing. Either way, that continues to be one of my favorite albums (and artists) ever. Thanks, Brent. For that and so much more.

Brent and I don't talk much at all anymore.

It was my choice, I guess.

Kind of.

And I miss him.

5. a photo of you

Progress makes perfect.

I went out jogging twice today. I was actually all antsy and wanted to go a second time. - Hey, who am I to argue with myself over actually wanting to exercise? Amirite? I pulled about 3.5 miles.

Well, I recorded my best average pace today, too. Still haven't beaten my best mile, but we'll get there. Just trying to get in the groove again. My legs and arms and abs are all killing me. I am trying my best to engage my arms and abs (consciously) when I walk/jog, so that I get an even better workout. Although, I probably look awfully awkward when doing it.

I just wish I could shed pounds easier. - Or that my metabolism would stop acting like a 38-year-old woman. - Keeping in shape has never been easy for me; it never will be.

My problem has never been eating too much, or eating unhealthily; I guess I'm just...not a size 0. I'll never be that thin. I think, a healthy and attractive size for my body type is like a size 6 or 7.

The last time I was that size I was eighteen (maybe nineteen). Cool, now I feel old.

Going to end this post before I get discouraged and go buy two tubs of ice cream...and go fat girl on myself.

D=

Cryptic and confused

I don't know.

Why do I always push things aside - I hit "Read Later" on things that bother me, I Instapaper my life.

This can't be good.

I mean, is this something that gets resolved now; or is this something that continues to float around, linger in the back of my mind, my day, my life?

It sounds silly, once I actually say it. Once I lay it all on the table, it's a no brainer...right?

I have no answer. And that scares me.

4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday

Xmas with the folks in Ohio.

3. a photo that makes you happy

This took me a while [to find].

This is my grandmother, Elsie; and she’s wearing my brother’s boots.

This photo makes me incredibly happy

because it reminds me of my grandmother’s amazing personality!

She’s crazy intelligent, fun-loving, caring, hilarious,

easy to talk to, and she used to write poetry and stories

(some of which she can still recite).

She's put up with the whole family teasing her

about her height (she's like 4'8") on a regular basis -

hence, the boots.

But she always had a smile on her face.

Elsie now has Alzheimer’s.

Needless to say, she just isn’t…herself anymore.

And that kills me.

I miss getting my ass kicked in Scrabble by her,

sitting next to her and doing crossword puzzles together,

and the sound of her giggling uncontrollably.

I love you, grandma. So much. And I miss you.

You're an amazing woman! I want you to know that!

I’ll see you in December for Christmas! <3

A love letter [excerpts]

I want to feel needed, wanted, sought-after. I want you to surprise me with things. I want you to gush romantically about how great I am. I want you to walk next to me. I want to feel your hand on the small of my back. I want to cuddle you into oblivion. I want to latch onto you, and you me, until we fall asleep. I want to act out fantasies with you. I want to give you space; I want to never leave your side. I want to glance up, only to catch you smiling at me. I want to watch you sleep. I want you to brush my hair from my eyes/forehead/behind my ears. I want to tell everyone how great you are, and how much I adore you. I want you to tell me jokes until I spit milk out of my nose. I want to slow dance with you. I want to have a song. I want to whisper sweet-nothings, and seductive somethings, into your ear when you least expect it. I want to have sex with you in a public place, in public places. I want you to sing to me; I want to sing to you. I want you to come up behind me, and wrap your arms around me. I want you to make me feel safe. I want to just stare up at the sky with you. I want to beat you at games. I want to encourage you. I want to amuse you. I want to still get chills when you kiss me. I want to know that if I fall, you'll be there to pick me up. I want to know that when I cry, you're there to hold me tightly and tell me it will all be okay. I want to know that if I'm in trouble, you'll help me, you'll come to my rescue in any way you can. I want you to open doors for me; I want to open doors for you. I want you to completely trust me, not doubt me. I want you to make me laugh when I'm mad at you. I want to be best friends, and so much more. I want to set aside time for us: alone time. Just you and I. Whether we cuddle and watch a movie, go out to dinner, or take a bath together. I want to just sit and talk with you. I want to get dressed up and go out on a real date - and not just once. I want to dress down and cuddle up on the couch, eat pizza, and play video games. I want to spend all day in bed with you. I want you to ask me to go with you places. I don't want you to demand or assume I always will, but I want you to genuinely want me to accompany you: your family get-together, to a movie with your friends, or when you move to California. I want to be completely comfortable with you, and you with me; I don't want us to become too comfortable and take each other for granted.

I don't want to cry over you for all of the wrong reasons. I don't want to wonder "Why?" or "What if?", but I want to jump in with both feet, you by my side, hand-in-hand. I don't want you to ever leave me alone at a party for more than two minutes, especially if I don't know anyone there. I don't want you to ever fear of telling me something...anything. I don't want to feel disposable, ugly, fat, inadequate...but sometimes I may. I know my shortcomings and flaws are neither your burden nor yours mine. I am not putting my self-esteem on your shoulders, but that doesn't mean you can't do everything in your power to lift me up, make me happy, and make me feel sexy.

There is nothing like feeling sexy.

I want to make you feel sexy. And confident. So much so, that you sweat just thinking about how attractive and wonderful you are to me.

It's a give and receive sorta thing. It's laughter and crying and yelling and loving. It's hot and spicy; it's sweet and mild. It's hugging each other at just the right moment. It's just knowing the other needs to be left alone for a while; it's knowing that the other needs you at that exact moment. It's just sitting there, quietly; it's talking my ear off. It's silly and warm and sexual and hurtful and wonderful and beautiful...all at once.

It's not demanding, it's gracious. It's smiling and lustful. It's surprises and chivalry (on my part, as well as yours). It's always remembering the important things, and why they're so important. It's sex and love and music and movies and dinners and dates and games and friendship. It's pet names and laughing at each other when we're being stupid. It's feeding each other finger food - or, sometimes, just shoving things [lovingly] into each other's mouths. It's reading quietly next to each other. It's pulling the car up when it's raining. It's playing footsie under the dinner table. It's going out of your way to pick me up a coffee when you know I've been up all night finishing a paper last minute. It's going out of my way to make you breakfast in bed...just because.

2. a photo of yourself a year ago

Sit down, don't shut-up, and hold on to your smartphone tight: in a little more than 140 characters.

Hello. I want to talk to you about knowledge.

But not just knowledge: information, technology, and social media. - Does it turn you on? Does it make you restless? Do you shift in your seat? Does your head hurt?

Think about how far we've come. Hieroglyphs. Folk tales. Written text. Codex. Moveable type. Teh interwebz. Search engines. Methodic relevance ranking (Google) in such engines.

We tweet and status update and micro-blog. We inform in 140 characters or less. We're in this fast-paced - blink or you'll miss us - age. It's keep up or gtfo. We spend our whole day reading, thinking, typing, searching, creating, working...

And then sleep.

We close our eyes. We close them quickly and hope to god we fall asleep in just enough time to wake-up, refreshed, so that we can keep on keeping up. This isn't Kansas; we don't dream in technicolor; and the only wizard we're familiar with is our software auto-installer. We dream in CSS and Twitter feeds, Tetris blocks and Farmville crops.

We're fed information - news, spoofs, lolcats, reddits, tweets - all by the ladleful and we love it.

I love it.

The soundtrack of our lives consists of IMs, push notifications, chirping, and the quiet hum of the machines that are our lifeline: our lifeline to all that keeps us up-to-date and savvy. Without the seemingly scary pace - at which this bullet train is pulling us by our teeth - where would we be? Back at the last stop? Heh. I don't know about you...but I have no intent of being stuck at that last station. It smells like old technology. It smells slow and less knowledgeable...less shiny.

So, sit down. Don't shut-up. And hold on to your smartphone tight.

We have a lot of information to share.

Getting back on track...

Tonight I was reminded why I stopped jogging outside.

Mosquitos.

Humidity.

Nike+ is a piece of crap.

(Oh, yeah! And sheer laziness and procrastination!)

But it was worth it. - Despite the mugginess, insect bites, and the ruination of my progression data. - It was worth it. It feels so great to jog: the preparation, the act, the aftermath (in optimistic theory). I missed it. I need to get my shit together [again]. I was on a roll and then I hit a wall - some massive garbage heap of doubt, hopelessness, and lethargy. And, let me tell you, running face first into that makes you never want to go back.

But we pick ourselves up. And we try, try again.

So, I did; and it felt great! Now, my trial is doing the same thing tomorrow (after I call up Nike and give them a whatfor).

1. your facebook profile photo

I'm doing this.

30 Day Photo Challenge

1. your facebook profile photo
2. a photo of yourself a year ago
3. a photo that makes you happy
4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
5. a photo of you
6. a photo that makes you laugh
7. a photo of someone you love
8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
9. a photo of your family
10. a photo of you as a baby
11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
12. a photo of you
13. a photo of your best friend(s)
14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
15. a photo of you and someone you love
16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
17. a drunk photo of you
18. a photo of one of your classes
19. a photo of you on a school trip
20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
21. a photo of you standing up
22. a photo of your town
23. a photo of your friend as a baby
24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
25. a photo of a night you loved
26. a photo of your favourite weekend
27. a photo of last summer
28. a photo of what you ate today
29. a photo of someone you find attractive
30. a photo of you when you were happy

F Y I

I get really fucking irritated at people who refuse to rotate their photos (this happens a lot, specifically on Facebook) so that they are the correct position. Sideways photos are not cool, people. Come on. You can edit that shit in like...MS Paint, ffs! Ugh.

/end rant

Have you ever been too tired to make coffee?

...that doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. So much for staying up all day. However, I'm probably better off. Six-ish hours of sleep, I feel like I should be eating brains: yeah, I'll be down for the count by 10pm. I hope.

Coffee break.

Brain excrement

So, I am supposed to reset my schedule today. You know, stay up all morning/afternoon/evening until I completely pass out from utter exhaustion of the mind/body/soul.

Yup.

Kinda tired.

I was going somewhere with this until my brain just shat all over itself.

Ouch. And how gross.

The devouring of crab legs: Amusing spectator sport or horrifying insight?

Well, today was kinda fail. Apparently, no one in the 'boro sells grape leaves; and considering that is the backbone of the dolmathes...no dice.

However, I did get my sugar tooth hands on some delicious Japanese candy from Somboun's Asian Market! I currently can not stop gobbling it down either. Not only am I a huge candy fiend, but Japanese candy tastes even better!

Serkan and I went out with Eiji - one last time before his return trip home (Japan). Eiji really wanted to go eat crab legs at Chef Wang's before he left, so I ate at Panera first, and then we all went to Chef Wang's (I'm a vegetarian and Chef Wang's isn't very appealing to me).

Panera is my favorite. Always. But today, I was about to take another bite of my Mediterranean veggie sandwich when I noticed what looked like brown/black, bad lettuce. So, I peeled the top of the sandwich slowly off to investigate. It definitely was brown/black and gross. But it definitely was not lettuce. It was a straight up insect, kids. Wings, legs, body...just hanging out.

=(

Yeah, so...needless to say, I lost my appetite, got my money back, and was on my way. I felt bad because the manager and one employee felt so bad (they know me, I frequent there regularly...or, at least, used to when I had the monetary resources). I assured them it happens everywhere and it wasn't their fault, and thanked them for the refund and politeness.

Now, onto the adventurous part of the day/evening! Chef Wang's!

Oh. My. God. Watching those two scoundrels - I mean, Serkan and Eiji - enjoy their crab legs was such an experience. I mean, have you ever watched someone eat crab legs? Like, actually just sat back and watched?! It's a fucking escapade, let me tell you!

They're so incredibly excited about it: mouth watering, eyes wide, tools ready! They brought back piles upon piles of these crab legs! Talk about all-you-can-eat. They went up time and time again, plate after plate after bushel after bushel of crab legs!

I kept wincing, into the corner of the booth, afraid of these men with their teeny tiny forks and...nut crackers? - What the fuck? - I was waiting for the crab to explode, tiny pieces of shell flying into my hair, my mouth, my eye! I was mortified; and yet...could not look away.

The sheer victory they seemed to experience when successfully procuring the entirety of the meat from one leg made even me giddy! It was as if their hard work had finally paid off! Like they won the lottery! Like eating the crab legs in bits and pieces wasn't good enough; you're a fucking crab leg-eating failure - head hung low - until you get the whole thing out, completely intact!

They were champions (in a prehistoric kinda way)!

These guys were utterly neanderthal-esque! I half-expected them to rip off their clothes and start bathing themselves in the buttery oil, like their fellow crabs, picking insects out of each others hair and grooming themselves with their tongue.

Okay.

I need to stop.

Being a vegetarian, I guess I'm just not used to having to break my food out of a shell or wrestle it into submission; so maybe I'm just one of the very few who have never experienced this ordeal firsthand. Maybe that is why it amused, yet disgusted, me so.

It was a spectacle; I'll give you that.

Everyone should spectate such an event! Next time you're going out to eat, find some all-you-can-eat crab legs and let the amusement begin! You'll never see your friends in the same light again. Guaranteed.

PJs and coffee and grape leaves and mmm!

I'm still in my PJs. Pa-Jam-Jams. I love my comfy tank tops and Pirates of the Caribbean short-shorts! It makes my coffee taste that much better. No, really.

It's Friday. FollowFriday.

I have this terrible feeling that my life is going to be even more drama-filled. How awful. How gross. How utterly unnecessary.

Meh. Drama. Go away.

I realized most everyone awesome I know lives in Canada or Cali. I wonder what that means. Better breeding in the C's, I guess. Huh.

I am going to finish my home coffee, then trek out to Sbux for some fatty frap before I go purchase some groceries. I need to cook again. I never knew I'd love cooking so much, but I do. I guess I like feeling in control. And it's about all of the excitement I can get in my boring little life here, lately.

I really need an adventure.

Anyway, I am going to make dolmathes. It's a Middle Eastern dish. Dolma means stuffed. It's essentially grape leaves stuffed with taste bud-tantalizing, mouth-watering herbs, veggies, rice and all things mmm! baked in more herbs and juices and more mmm! I am salivating just thinking about it. Hopefully I don't fuck it up; I can see myself mis-rolling the grape leaves or overcooking...something.

Either way, I'm cooking; feel bad for my kitchen.

I wanna feel the sun on my face ALL year round!

I need to move. I need to move somewhere that I can wear sunglasses 24/7, - or, at least, 14/7 - go to the beach whenever I get the urge, and not be freezing and gloomy for part of the year.

The cold and the snow are overrated. I've dealt with those for too long. It's a waste of a good portion of my year.

I could totally drown winter in the ocean. Totally.

Who wants to deal with the winter blues?

Not this girl; not any more.

Let go. Just jump in. It's so amazing here.

A lot has been happening in the relationship department. Or lack of a relationship department. Or the I-think-we're-in-a-relationship-but-I-guess-we're-really-not department.

/Facepalm

Like...I am so incredibly confused. I feel like I am psyching myself out. I feel so adamant about one thing, and then blasé about the same thing the very next day. I don't get it.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Clean-up on aisle 12!

Again. It's a mess. Again. Ugh. It's mind vs. emotion here, and not only am I unsure who's winning - I'm unsure of who I want to root for.

I don't know. Happiness is what's important. However, that involves much more than we care to actually admit. Much, much more...

Why is it that I feel so strongly about something, like love for instance, like it's the only thing that matters, and yet when it finally comes time to express those emotions, I freeze up? Am I just a blubbering imbecile? Or am I scared? Worried? Uncertain, confused?

I wish I knew; I need to fix this.

I love this man. I love being with him. But not at the expense of my sanity.

Or did my sanity blow out the window the day I drove down to Murfreesboro, TN four years ago?

Four years ago. Wow. And I've accomplished almost nothing.

When does my adventure begin? I'm ready for a new chapter!

Hey, it's me. I'm back...again.

I keep coming back to this blog. I made it randomly one day, with a new-found sense of pride and my new go-getter attitude - I was raring to go.

I made a plethora of posts, decided it wasn't just right and deleted them all.

And yet, here I am. Back for more. Except this time, I have a new blog address.

Coming up with simple, yet catchy and meaningful blog names makes me nervous. It takes me too long. And then, by the time I get it just right, I've already become distracted and move on.

Next!

Since I can remember, I've abhorred capital letters. Not like I can't use them, but...I never wanted to. And my modus manus has always been all lowercase letters. Always. And two periods followed by a space.. like such.

But now it's time for me to change all of that; it's time to transform from an infant writer to one who is ready to go! I want to be the writer that you read, your heart racing, and my words - the constant flow of detail, information - changes you, excites you, inspires you.

Who doesn't want that?

Maybe my previous way of writing has something going for itself, for me, but if it means the difference of "Oh, that's cute! She's a good writer, but not what we're looking for, not professional enough." and "This is really good, and professional - we want her!" - I will take the latter. Hands down.

I can have a niche, I can stand out, without sacrificing professionalism. - Can't I?

Is that what I want? Is that what I need?

I'm still thinking about it...